Saturday, May 23, 2009


No need to join Jenny Craig. Or even work out. Just agree to have some periodontal work done that you’ve been refusing for the last 10 years, actually—to your own surprise—go to the appointment, survive it and return home again with impossible instructions (dentist-like people LOVE to give impossible instructions—answer my questions while my hands are in your mouth and my wrist is covering your nostrils and continue to breathe through and around the dental dam and then, before you leave the office, pay me a huge amount of money—we take Visa; take those wonderful drugs we had you pick up last week with food even though we have left you no surface in your mouth that is not covered in lacerated skin and stitches but otherwise these painkillers will ruin your stomach and then you’ll be miserable there as well).

I don’t know, I tried to shop in prep for this and ended up with three cans of concentrated orange juice and two packages of dried gourmet-ish soups. I thought that would be enough. Now I find it will be four weeks before all stitches are removed. Then they said well orange juice will hurt your mouth—try protein drinks like Ensure, yogurt, etc. But they told me this as they were releasing me from the chair, and going to back to the store then was totally beyond me. Besides, when I leave the dentist, no matter how small the procedure, I always look like my grandma on her worst day and weak and helpless and just can’t do it then. So, the first day I ate two eggs (at the doc’s insistence—she believes protein is the path to healing). This is how I ate them—tipped my head way back, put a teaspoon full of scrambled egg at the back of my tongue, and just swallowed hoping it went down my esophagus and not my windpipe. I ate two spoonsful and was exhausted. They also said I could eat mashed potatoes that way. I ate that also, same method, same amount. Exhausted. Did not have the energy to allow my stomach to have a negative effect to the ibuprofen and vicodin—all was fine and the pain never got a chance to come full-on. Only needed that one Vicodin, damn it—I was disappointed. But the Ibuprofen I’m taking is in a huge mg amount I didn’t even know existed.

Next day I tried my orange juice—it did not hurt—it was GOOD—I believe I will live now because I believe vitamin C is the path to healing. If I decide I want heal, that is, in spite of the fact that I now have Jay Leno’s chin—the work they did was a tissue transplant from the roof of my mouth to my front bottom jaw to repair the gum recession. So I not only have this gigantic chin, I also look as if I am enjoying a huge wad of tobacco. The swelling is down a little today—day two after the procedure. I have three more days before I have to go back to work so I hope I don’t still look like this then.

An ironic thing about all this—the dentist and periodontist think this recession is due to orthodontia I had way back when—correcting an underbite moved the roots of the bottom teeth too close to the surface. Way to undo all that effort, I guess.

I’m sorry to tell you all this. I must tell someone though—I work for pathologists and LOVE this sort of talk; my daughter however screams and runs the other way saying she’s sympathetic but NO DETAILS!!!!!! She gets all squeamish.

So I just went to the store and stalked up on yogurt (I’m going to give that bifidus regularis a try {all credit to Adventures in Cheryll-Land on MSN Spaces]—I totally agree with her that it must be nonsense but I guess I’ll find out now.

I feel surprisingly industrious and energetic—mowed and weed-eated my yard yesterday and today mopped a couple of floors, but after that I’m ready for the rest of the day off.

I must say goodbye to “dammit Jane,” who says she’s done with her blog. I’m sorry about that—I’m not sure it’s fair to make us love you and then leave us [and several of my favorites have done that lately] but I do know what it’s like to feel like you’ve said all there is to say. Still . . . don’t do that.

Well, time for another pill. And a nap. And some people tell me I don't know how to have a good time!